You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
