Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
