my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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