Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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