what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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