I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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