Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
