When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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