I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
