he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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