3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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