I must be too annoying 4 u.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
