i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
