Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
