Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
