Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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