you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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