Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We named our party play list daddy issues
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
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