My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I cut my penus on the lid.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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