how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
