dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
