So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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