a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
