Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
