i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
