I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
