If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
