How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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