i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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