New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
