he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
