i don't like sucking hair
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
