cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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