i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
well most of my day revolves around power hour
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Houston, we have a blender
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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