Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
