i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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