theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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