There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
