I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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