I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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