Please, let me fuck your mom
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
