I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
