I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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