After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
