Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
