I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
