Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
