3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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