Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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