Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
