I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
