No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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